we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.