Pregnant stripper...not hot.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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