eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
All I want is dick and wine.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
