Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
