see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
