Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
