yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
