No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
