so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
my poor anus
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
