upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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