so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
