Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
