I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
