I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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