so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
