I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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