I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
