I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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