Four minutes until I can fart!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
