woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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