3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
