i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
