I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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