She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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