Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
