He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
