Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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