dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
