Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
