Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
