You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
