my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
