my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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