Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
