I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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