I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
