Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
