Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
