Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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