Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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