You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
