none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
