How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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