Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
