How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
