the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
