I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
