Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
