I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just threw up on my dentist
there's paper in my vomit.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
