I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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