No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
