If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
