she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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