I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
