I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid