I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
