Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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