Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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