Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
