id be glad to
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
